Today is Saturday, February 21, 2009. When I started this blog two years ago, I did so because I felt in my heart that I had a lot to say about a lot of things and now I find that my life won't allow me to do the one thing I thought I was meant to do, write.
One of the things that is occupying my time is surfing the internet. My routine is check my emails, and then I usually go off on a tangent from one of the emails and there goes my time.
Another thing is that I have too many email addresses and sites that I've signed onto to get newsletters and updates sent to me on a regular basis. I should realize by now that since I never follow up on much of that stuff, that I really don't need it. Now I just have to convince myself to delete something. I have an msn, 2 gmail, 2 yahoo and my work emails accounts to track, not counting being on Tagged, Facebook, and something else I know I'm forgetting right now.
On a daily basis I have over 300 emails to check. This does not include the spam which I also check just to be sure that something I really want to see doesn't get into the trash by mistake.
I guess my biggest problem right now is that I am so totally frustated with what I am going through personally that I have allowed myself to get into a funk. Mentally and emotionally. Nothing motivates me, nothing excites me and and nothing really brings me much pleasure except singing. (Writing should be here but it's not)
I won't bore you with my personal problems except to say that it's been going on for almost two years and I see no end in sight. God has to step in and do something miraculous. I believe he can but I don't even have the motivation to pray that he will.
I don't however feel like I'm depressed. I just feel like I can't change my life and I'm not happy where I am. I still get up and go to work every day. Interact with people and try to put on a show of being a decent human being. In the process I have to be up and available for my children and husband. I don't know that I always do a good job of that, but I know I'm not as bad as I could be and my family doesn't seem to be "any worse for the wear". What a stupid saying.
I'm am trying to find little pieces of happiness in the small things that happen in my life. Like this morning my brother called me and while we were talking he made some comments that I basically balked about in jest. He said "A hit dog will holla". I thought that was hilarious and I got quite a bit of joy from laughing about it. My brother on the otherhand wasn't laughing and frankly didn't seem to see the humor in it. Nevertheless, it lifted my spirits.
So here I sit on another Saturday waiting to waite on my family. That's what I seem to do the most. I don't think I spelled that right, but what I mean is to always be doing for them. I don't feel like I get much time to myself. Even right now after I started writing this I received a text message to let me know that I needed to come and pick someone up. So there goes my free time. I'll pick them up and then they'll want some attention and my time is no longer my own.
As I'm writing this I am beginning to feel a little energy and I know that I want to write more so I need to find the motivation within and get it done.
Thanks for listening...
Alta
